Why are Mondays always so... Monday?

Hey hey all!

Today's post may be a little TMI but it's kind of fun. So if you aren't super interested in the little details in my life like trips to the gynecologist and my girlfriends being afraid to poop when their boyfriends(?... I actually don't know if they are an official item) are over at the apartment, then go ahead and turn away. It's too much for you. Though to be honest - I'm not really sure who reads my blog anyway... aside from my BFF Broph. Hey girl hey!

Anyway, so Monday morning I wake up and the only plan I have for the day is to have a girls night dinner with aforementioned BFF and her bridesmaids before she up and moves to Fresno. Ew. Yes. We know. FresNO. Moving on. As I step out of the shower and begin my regular face product application routine, I think to myself: "Well, obviously I want to be cute to hang with the girls tonight so maybe I'll throw some self tanner on my legs and wear a dress or skirt." {Sidebar: Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs is the most amazing thing ever if you are in a tanning pinch. Great & fast DIY spray tan and it washes off with soap and water. Get to it.} So... back to the story. In light of the tanning epiphany, I sprawl out on top of the bathroom counter (bc that's how I roll to fake tan myself) and go to work. Then I realize, "crap. I need to call my veej doctor because I had a Mirena inserted 6 weeks ago and they need to check it". So I call.

Uhmmmmm... since when do they have openings on the same day?! I was in such a panic that I picked the only time slot I remembered out of the several choices she gave me. Seriously, what is the deal? These fools are always booked at least 3 days out. But I didn't argue. I made a 2:40 appointment. Then... I realized... CRAP BALLS. She is gonna be setting up camp down there so I cant just tan PART of my legs. I have to do all of them. AND I was due for my bi-annual exam... so I REALLY had to tan all of me. Clearly, I did not think this through. It's fine. Really. Don't panic. Just apply self-tanner everywhere. Sounds easy enough, yes? No. Do you know how hard it is to reach every inch of your back? Even with the monkey arms I inherited from my father.

Dear sweet tap-dancing Jesus. The results were bearable, but not pretty. See how I look beaten and bruised along the bottom? Yeah. That's what my whole upper back looked like when I finished. I had to make the decision to wear a little denim jacket and my hair down to try to mask the botched tan on my back. If you have any pointers for me here, please... share.

I should have known the day was going to be bonkers from the get-go because as soon as Justin leaves for work I get a text message. Now, let me back up just a tick. Justin and I were chit-chatting the night before and I don't recall how, but my ex was brought up in conversation. And that never really happens. But anyway, Justin asked a question or two about him so we talked a bit and that was it. Just sort of out of the blue and funny. Well... can we guess who the previously mentioned text was from? Yeah.  Nailed it. Seriously? Out of the blue? Right after he was mentioned less than 12 hours prior? I feel like it had to have been a full moon because 2 crazies of mine that I had thought I was able to rid myself of previously had also reached out Sunday evening. I just thought it best to not respond to those. Why I chose to respond to this one was beyond me, especially because he texted me with a picture and some cockamamie excuse about it reminding him of my dog. Anyway, the conversation was short and civil but he definitely was just texting me to see if I was still dating Justin. So smooth to ask, "How is relationship life treating you?". Well, sir... much better than you did. HA! I crack myself up.  He follows up with something along the lines of 'he can't get a girl to stick because he is too nice'. Yeah. Alright. You just keep living in that dream world, little friend. Good day.

What a lovely start to the day, don't you think? I told Justin about it and he laughed at the poor effort made by Ex Boyfriend. What a pitiful thing. On to the rest of my day!

This is a good part. So I get to the doctor and after waiting an amazingly long time to bee seen, pee in a cup, and answer my entire medical history from the womb until now, I am shuffled into a quaint little room and ask to strip. I comply and am sitting awkwardly in my oh so fashionable paper vest, texting BFF; who - ironically - is ALSO at HER veej doctor getting her bi-annual. *Bonding*. We each send each other adorbs photos that are almost identical... Don't you love that?

Though I will tell you, I think the female reproductive chart in the background of mine really classes the photo up.

So the doc comes in, we exchange pleasantries, and get right down to business. Here is the best part of my whole afternoon... She gets all situated down there, turns on the light, stops, and says, "Oh! Do you use some kind of glitter lotion or something down here?"... What?! Shit, shit... MY SELF TANNER HAS GLITTER IN IT!!

I DIED. DIED. A THOUSAND DEATHS. I start cracking up and say "Oh, no no... It's my spray tan". And she bursts into laughter and says "I thought you were just fancyin' it up for me down here". I literally remember nothing else from this appointment as I just kept replaying this lovely exchange over and over in my head. I IMMEDIATELY texted BFF to tell her the story. By the time I got to girls' night dinner at Courtney's, they had all heard about it. So amazing. Welcome to my life. This is how I live.

The night ended on an amazing note with 3 wonderful ladies by my side talking about being afraid to poop if their gentleman caller is in the apartment at the time, drinking some kind of Freixenet Cordon "Negro" champagne in a black bottle, inappropriate comments, and lots of laughs. Courtney made some killer tacos (fish & shrimp for the girls, veggie for me) with delish rice, Jaime brought the wine, BFF brought a BOMB.COM strawberry cake dessert, and I made a mexican salad with spicy dressing. The dressing can totally fool your friends into thinking you can chef it up too, by the way. Just mix half ranch dressing (I use Hidden Valley fat free) and half salsa of your choice (I prefer medium spicy chunky Pace). Thank you dear, sweet, and chef genius sister, Terrin for that one. Voila!

How was your Monday?